You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize
