Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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