i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Bang-toberfest begins!!
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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