Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
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As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
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I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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