Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
