Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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