I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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