I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
