Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
