He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
