I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
