Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
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I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
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Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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