I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
