Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
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