He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
