I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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