I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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