she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
