The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
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