So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
