i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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