I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Randomize
