I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
