I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
