I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
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