I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
