just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
