Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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