he shaved USA in his pubs
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
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