I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
