We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
We're too hungover to prance.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
