I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
