when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
