I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
