I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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