If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
