come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
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I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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