I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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