there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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