I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Dignity is for republicans.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
