i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
