I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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