Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
