Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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