So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
