It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
