i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
