Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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