for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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