captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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