A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
We named our party play list daddy issues
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
