If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
