Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
BRING THE BAGELS
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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