I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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