She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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