Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
