i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
