STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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